Tuesday, March 21, 2006

March 21, 2006 - Press Releases

Below are three press releases issued by "Helmreich Worldwide Promotion" this morning.
1. The First Press Release
Now, after years of waiting, wondering and hoping for a chance to see your favorite distance runner in action...
After a ten year hiatus, the greatest distance runner to ever live at 25W475 Hamilton drive from 1985 to 1993, or thereabouts, has officially announced his return to competitive running...
That's right, Kenyans beware... His blinding speed is only matched by his blindingly white skin (well that and his blinding emissions after eating Taco Bell...).
On Saturday May 6, 2006 at 7:30 a.m. (by then Indianapolis will be observing daylight savings time an will be on Eastern Daylight Time!) the one, the only, Craig Joseph Helmreich will be running the Indianapolis 500 Festival Mini Marathon. The Indianapolis Department of Public Works, responsible for repairing any damage to the 13.1 mile course, has been heard complaining that of the 35,000 registered participants, it is most concerned that Helmreich, with his thoroughbred-like pavement thudding may actually damage the streets used for the race. This concern is shared by the owners of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, since the race does a lap at the famous oval. However, Helmreich has agreed to pay the race entry fee - and not attempt to use a sponsor's exemption this year to help offset any damage he does to the course.
You, the family, friends, and insanely dedicated fans, are invited to attend the race - and or the post race party (which Helmreich will be informing his spouse of by copy of this e-mail). At this festive post-race event, it is anticipated that Helmreich will be suffering from oxygen deprivation and will, therefore, be unable to incessantly blabber and instead be forced to listen to what others have to say. This PR agent has his doubts... especially since Craig is secretly considering forming a band and rocking out in his yard on the 6th (Finklea and Core consider yourselves warned...).
In late breaking news, Helmreich has boldly announced this morning that he GUARANTEES he will set a new PR for the half marathon distance. At the time this release was issued, researchers could not locate Helmreich's previous PR for this distance, but continue their tireless search.
2. The Second Press Release
In addition to the May 6, 2006 festivities...
On June 5, 2006, in celebration of the eight year anniversary of the union of Craig & Jeanne Helmreich in unholy matrimony (the Catholic Church has obtained a restraining order preventing the use of the phrase "holy matrimony" when an individual raised Catholic gets married in a rent-a-mansion, without first saying 430 "Hail Marrys" and 690 "Our Fathers"), Jeanne and Craig will be celebrating by racing Craig's Corvette in Joliet! The Lotus Car Club of America has invited Craig to attend its annual track day, which this year will be held at the Autobahn Country Club ("ACC") in Joliet, Il. The ACC is a 3.5 mile, 21 turn, 40 ft. wide road course. The event is not competitive and passing is only allowed when waived by. (This prevents relatively inexpensive Corvettes from smashing into not so relatively inexpensive Lotuses...)
Craig will be taking guests for rides around the circuit, so long as they can guarantee they will not soil the vette's passenger seat. The event is from 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. on Monday June 5, 2006. Helmreich Worldwide Promotions is looking for videographers and photographers to capture the excitement of the day. Please submit your resume and portfolio, or in the alternative your e-mail address, if you are interested in shooting photo and/or video for the Free DVD that is bound to be produced in the hours following the event. (And by hours, we mean thousands of hours... thereby removing any obligation to produce and distribute the DVD before Helmreich Worldwide Promotions is darn good and ready to market the same).
Finally, if you miss these two events - do not despair... because:
3. The Third Press Release
On Sunday October 22, 2006 Craig Helmreich is planning to run the Chicago Marathon! The race organizers have confirmed that Craig Helmreich will be in the field at the start and that they are preparing a limited edition DVD of Craig's race highlights. (Notwithstanding the fact that Helmreich paid for the DVD, Helmreich Promotions Worldwide believes the race organizers commitment to tape Helmreich and distribute a limited edition DVD clearly indicates they expect great things from Helmreich in the race.) The initial DVD production run is limited to one copy, but Helmreich Promotions Worldwide is anticipating huge demand and is acquiring the necessary bootleg software to mass produce this collectable title. Order your free copy today! (In fact, Helmreich encourages his fans to mob him at the various points on the course where the video cameras will be located, including the start, 5K mark, 10K mark, 15K mark, 20K mark etc... and by mob, he means ply him with Gatorade, Water, Candy Bars, epinephrine injections and emergency CPR, as necessary.)
We here at Helmreich Worldwide Promotions hope to see you at one or more of these amazing events this summer and fall.
The one, the only,
Craig J. Helmreich

1 comment:

Gretchen said...

How much CRACK were you on when you posted this, and emailed it to me at 3 different email addresses??? You are a WACKO. I may have to ban you from blogging here . . . the jury is still out . . .